Animal Incarnations of the 76ers Starting Lineup
Today I will provide some apt comparisons. Namely, comparing members of the 76ers starting lineup to their animal counterparts. Each of these players is strange to watch in some fashion, and their strangeness struck me as fauna-esque when I was watching a '6ers game in late hours of the night. Video evidence is included, courtesy of Dawkins, DownToBuck, Evin Gualberto, and a few other prolific NBA YouTubers. Feast your eyes, and never unsee this.
Ben Simmons is a tiger. Extremely fast and startlingly huge. Tigers are like 9ft
long, which just doesn’t make any sense, but neither does anything about
Simmons’ game. "Hi I'm 6'10! But I don't like to post up. But I handle the ball and make sick passes! I like driving more than anything in the world, but I also have no jumper. Is that alright?" From what his rookie campaign has told us, yes Ben, that's all well and good. Why would a tiger need a jumper when they have banana-sized fangs anyway?
Sinking his fangs in, throwing in a roar
Okay This Is Wack You Are 6 Foot 10
Hey Man You Are Still 6 Foot 10 This Is Kinda Weird
HEY MAN I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME YOU ARE RIDICULOUS
okay but actually what is this
Okay This Is Wack You Are 6 Foot 10
Hey Man You Are Still 6 Foot 10 This Is Kinda Weird
HEY MAN I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME YOU ARE RIDICULOUS
okay but actually what is this
JJ
Redick is a gerbil who just snorted a line of cocaine. Given his tiny limbs, JJ
puts the “jump” in jump shot, flying like 10 feet every time he shoots a
tre-ball. The plodding mammoths that occupy the 6ers roster amplify the visual
effect of his constant sprinting from corner to corner to wing to corner to
elbow. I'd say Redick runs at his max speed more than anyone else in the NBA. He needs to chill out.
Robert
Covington is a dog. Pretty dependable and uninteresting. He has a friendly but
sad face, so maybe a dachshund. Then again, his hair suggests a
specially-groomed poodle. But I don’t know that much about dogs, and I’m not
sure that any of them can play solid defense and hit the long ball at a 40%
clip. Good boy!
Playing fetch
Long-distance thwacker
"It's pretty amazing, Robert Covington, when you think about where he sticks his nose..."
Daschund?
Poodle?
Dario Saric (the inspiration for this list) is a walrus. Large, seemingly uncoordinated, somewhat floppy, and has a bushy stache. A strange-looking player featuring a weird slow-down post-up game with some jumpers thrown in deserves an equally baffling animal counterpart.
Playing fetch
Long-distance thwacker
"It's pretty amazing, Robert Covington, when you think about where he sticks his nose..."
Daschund?
Poodle?
Dario Saric (the inspiration for this list) is a walrus. Large, seemingly uncoordinated, somewhat floppy, and has a bushy stache. A strange-looking player featuring a weird slow-down post-up game with some jumpers thrown in deserves an equally baffling animal counterpart.
Joel
Embiid is a lion. Fierce and powerful when he attacks, but likes to chill at
his little mid post area and throw up stuff. Beefy alphas with chill demeanors. Always seem to be capable of doing more. I figure male adult lions likewise get superstar calls in the animal kingdom, drawing
inordinate amounts of free throws. Both also like to hang their mouths open.
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