Season Revue #1: The Dastardly Dunkers of the 2017 Class

I spent most of the 2017-2018 season drooling over the rookie class. These dudes are STUDS! After a decidedly mediocre '15 and '16 draft haul, NBA fans and draftniks were spoiled by the talent present in 2017’s prodigious class. Jayson Tatum--who was 19 for most of the year--filled in for injured Gordon Hayward in spectacular fashion, scoring 14 a night while scorching from three at a 43% clip. Likewise, 13th pick Donovan Mitchell filled in for the ghost of Gordon Hayward in Utah. He emptied his clip on the entire NBA, leading his class in points per game at 20.5 a contest. 27th pick Kyle Kuzma cemented himself as one of the better draft steals in recent memory, bringing his wacky jump hooks and wet shot to the next level far easier than anyone expected. I could go on, but basically these dudes make the last 10 classes look like a festering pile of garbage. These munchkins are probably gonna fill like 85% of the All-Star games from 2020-2025. I’m sorry, but no class in which 2016-17 Malcolm Brogdon wins Rookie of the Year is going to do much.

But who really cares about that? No one except for draft nerds like me pays any attention to these players until they’re 25 and in the MVP race and All-Star voting or something. You know what really matters? Who of the 2017 litter is boosting the future of the DUNK in the NBA? HUH? WHO STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE AND THREW DOWN SOME NASTY YAMMERS?!?! WHO CRAMMED IT LIKE A MADMAN?!?! WHO BROUGHT THE FUNK ON SOME NASTY DUNKS?!!?!??!??!?!?

P.S. Except Ben Simmons, cause he’s a filthy 2016-er who just had to go and break his foot before last season. This is s t r i c t l y players drafted in 2017.

P.S.S. It’s also about dunk quality over sheer number of dunks. So yeah, sure, Jarrett Allen and Jayson Tatum did technically dunk a lot, but they only had a handful of slick posters, so their Sauce Per Slam is a little low compared to the other dudes on the list.

P.S.S.S. Sauce Per Slam is a powerful statistic that I'll use to contextualize the strength of each player's average slam. League average in the 2017-18 Season was 1 Cup of Little Caesar's Ranch.

Here we go.

Edrice “Bam” Adebayo:

Dunks: 91

Percent of field-goal attempts that were dunks (%FGAtwD): 29.4

Nastiest Jam: Pogo-Stick Two-Handed Alley-Oop vs. Grizzlies

I didn’t think Bam was all that good in his lone college year.. His point guard De’Aaron Fox was zooming around everyone, Malik Monk was moistfully draining triples and hammering fast-break dunks, all while Derek Willis and Wenyen Gabriel stole the rest of my attention by looking like 6’9 toothpicks someone taught to play basketball. EddyBayo was just plodding around and grabbing rebounds or something. Thankfully, the Heat gave him some NBA spacing, and Bam started slamming, swatting, and boarding Hassan Whiteside out of the rotation. When he wasn’t locking down bigs and guards alike with monster rejections or uncanny lateral quickness, the bouncy Bam was detonating rims, cramming the ball through the nets like a meteor heading toward the hardwood. In his Nastiest Jam of the Whole Season, he whalloped the pitiful Memphis Grizzlies on a two-handed alley-oop, with a nice zero-gravity pause for an extra dose of devastation. Being a 6’9 jumping jack center with massive shoulders, he got a lot of Dwight Howard-lite comparisons. Give this man some lob passers + shooters and his high school scouting report just might come to fruition. He’s a big boy, so determining his Sauce Per Slam is straightforward fare.

Sauce Per Slam: 35 servings of Big Mac Secret Sauce

Donovan Mitchell

Dunks: 42

%FGAtwD: 3.6

Dunk Contests Won: 1

Nastiest Jam: You could go with his Brutal One-Handed Teardown vs. the Cavs, his Disgusting Physics-Defying Head-At-The-Rim Power-Slam also vs. the Cavs, or his Floating Gracefully-Catch-That-Oop-Stuff-With-One-Hand-And-Punch-It-With-No-Remorse vs. the Clippers, but I’m Partial to his Space-X Turbo Thruster Putback Throwdown vs. the Lakers

The fact that ROY contender Donny Mitch only slammed forty-two times this season boggles my mind. I swear this dude was in a highlight reel twice a day for some new ridiculous finishes, which he prolly didn’t even conceptualize until he was midair. Donovan has Terminator pistons for legs, with some extra rocket boosters for midair stasis commissioned by Utah’s NASA chapter. My theory is this: first day of training camp, the Jazz were looking for a de facto on-court leader, and they were really tepid to Mitchell at first. Like who is this rook just tossing up every shot in existence? Who does he think he is? But then they saw him hit the metaphorical springboard, climb the metaphorical ladder, and just absolutely obliterate someone on a poster--I don’t know, could be anyone, let’s just say Derrick Favors--and everyone bowed at his feet and crowned him Interim King of Salt Lake City. After acrobatically averaging 20.5 points per game and leading the mediocre Jazz to the 4th seed in the West, I think he’s earned every ancient Utahn jewel that hangs on that crown. Being one of the top 5 most athletic NBA players in the last 20 years, he may deserve this generation’s Dunk Crown as well (if Ben Simmons doesn’t tear it away with his grubby Aussie hands). A fiery rook deserves an equally spicy sauce measure.

Sauce Per Slam: 120 Taco Bell Diablo Packets

John Collins

Dunks: 123

%FGAtwD: 27.6

Nastiest Jam: Murderous One-Handed Uber-Spike vs. the Celtics

As one of the ~300 people that watched more than say, three Hawks games this year, it is my sworn duty to spread the good word of John The Baptist. Though he sucks at defense besides some cool blocks, he’s a deft offensive rebounder and springy lob target. Say you’re an NBA vet. You see this skinny twenty-year-old trotting around the court. He looks dazed. You don’t keep up with rookies below the 10th pick anymore; you’ve seen to many of those guys fall out of the league. A shot goes up, you blink, and then--BAM!--John Collins just ripped you to shreds on a disgusting putback jam. His knees are above your shoulders, he could easily piggyback onto you, but he doesn’t, cause he’s just that cool and respectful. Tears stream down your face. This will be on every highlight reel in the nation! Who will respect your rim-protection or box-out abilities now? Your career is seemingly over, all because of some mohawked rook with major bounce.

But then you look out at the Atlanta crowd. When Collins annihilated the rim just seconds earlier, the stands EXPLODED into a MIGHTY...whimper. There are 50 people that bought tickets, tops. Your team is up 15 points with 5 minutes left in the 2nd quarter. You, your teammates, the Hawks, and everyone else in the stadium are the only living beings that have seen or ever will see this monstrous jam. Despite your brief fear, you play another 5 years in the league, having earned hundreds of millions of dollars playing basketball. John Collins is still hitting triple-digit dunk figures in Atlanta, pumping out meagre 30 to 40-win seasons with a menagerie of mediocre forwards and random overseas talent.

That wasn’t very much about dunks. Here’s another wild Collins jam, just for reading all of that. I appreciate it. Also, his dunks are sweet, but his team sucks. Easiest sauce choice on the menu.

Sauce Per Slam: 35 Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauces from Wendy’s

Dennis Smith Jr.

Dunks: 40

%FGAtwD: 4.9

Nastiest Jams:

Height: Cross-Tween-Tween Nuclear Two-Hand Takeoff vs. the Heat

Power: Extendo-Arm Acutely Angled Crammer vs. the Wizards

Distance: A Military-Grade Dennis Smith Jet Entering the Stratosphere vs. the Pelicans

(Almost) Posterization: A LITTLE CLOSER KD, C'MON, JUST THIS ONCE vs. Warriors

Elder Abuse: Dancing On Pau Gasol’s Grave vs. the Spurs

I’m really sorry Donovan, even though you will probably be the better player for the rest of your respective careers, Dennis Smith Jr. has more bounce than you. As the only other guard on this list, and the only guard on this list that isn’t contending for Rookie of the Year, DSJ had to really show out. Dunks are better when you're really good. Not backing down from a challenge, Dennis threw down some hard slams after jumping insanely high in the air, all while having comically short arms. I mean look at them!  He joins the Cody Zeller/Kelly Olynyk/Jimmy Butler/Blake Griffin School of T-Rex Success.

 But yeah, Dennis h o v e r s when he launches for dunks. Can you imagine getting hammered on by this dude? This 6’1 Human/T-Rex hybrid lulls defenders to sleep with dribble moves, bursts to the cup, and before you can even turn your head for help defense, his hand and elbow are in the rim, and he’s saddling your shoulders. When Smith gets an open break dunk, the exit velocity on the ball is utterly absurd. If I were to have any Dunk-Rating Biases, I overvalue dunks where the ball shoots out of their hand like a cannonball. Like if the ball touches the ground before you do, you’re in good shape. That’s why the Wizards jam above had me salivating. Salivating for what exactly? Some fries. Give this man the Ketchup. I don’t care if it isn’t a sauce, he deserves this. I also don't care if he doesn't catch many bodies on his dunks, Dennis's slams looks like Robin Williams caked some flubber on the soles of his sneaks.

Sauce Per Slam: 400 McDonald’s Ketchup Packets with some Warm Fries to Boot

There you have it. The torch-carriers of Dunkdom. Bow down before they slam on Thy Head.