The Stupidest Things That Could Happen on Draft Night

The draft is usually awesome. A night of franchise-building wonder! Plenty of player speculation, massive trades, and names you’ve never heard before and will never hear again (if you stay for the second round). You’ll witness steals and gaffes of epic proportions, sometimes in real-time! Like when the Cavs took Anthony Bennett 10 or 15 slots higher than he was projected. He missed his first 16 career field goals. Or when the Kings selected unknown big man from Greece at 13 just because of his last name was Papagiannis. It’s Papa Johns but Greek! WOW! Or when the Wolves selected not one, but TWO point guards that weren’t Stephen Curry in the 2009 Draft while he was still on the board. Curry won back-to-back MVP’s and the first unanimous one, while Jonny Flynn is out of the league and Ricky Rubio still can’t make layups.

Okay! It’s hard to remember anything but the gaffes. No one truly realizes the steals until the season is underway. Like in 2015, everyone gushed over the Heat getting Justise Winslow at 10 when he was supposed to go at 4 or something, but now he’s a bricky, short small forward who turns it over too often. So even when you (an NBA team) and everyone else thinks you’ve pulled off a heist, you’ve still done something very average or just dumb dumb. The draft is a crapshoot at its core. There simply isn’t enough sample size and NBA-translating constants that can make a player a sure bet.

But who cares about that? Here are five possible events during the 2018 draft that will end disastrously if they occur. Like an Everyone-Or-Most-People-Lose-Scenario. Gross.

 1.       Grizzlies package their #4 pick to dump Chandler Parsons

What happened Chandler? You were such a lovable, talented goof in Houston and Dallas, charming free-agents with your dashing looks, running offenses with pretty passing, and hitting threes with your eye-offending jump shot, that takes a near-horizontal path to the rim. Everybody hates you and your busted knees now bud, and I’m sorry. Unfortunately, while everyone knew this and rightfully adjusted their expectations of you, Memphis decided to give you a 4-year max contract, and inflate public hatred towards you and the franchise tenfold.

Rumors are going around that the Grizz want to package you and your disgusting contract with the 4^th pick in the draft to get a slightly worse asset and rid you from their team. Grizzlies, do NOT use the most valuable asset you’ve gotten in a decade to make up for your own colossal mistake. Pick #4 has serious potential to be a longtime starter. Most mocks have you taking Marvin Bagley, who despite his concerns on defense, has rebounding, athleticism, and an undying motor that will instantly translate to the NBA. Not to mention, he fits PERFECTLY on your team!!!! A RIM-running, LOB-catching, ATHLETIC forward to slot next to a ground-bound passing and defensive savant in Gasol? This hypothetical player Grizzlies fans have been touting as a perfect complement to Gasol for years is sitting RIGHT in front of you, Chris Wallace!

Even if Bagley gets taken earlier, one of Jaren Jackson Jr. or Luka Doncic will be available to you. JJJ blocked over 5 shots a game per-40 minutes and shot 39.7% from three. Also, he’s nearly 7 feet tall, and hasn’t turned 19 yet. Meanwhile, Luka Doncic is about 5 months older, and just finished dominating the Euroleague as the youngest MVP in league history. However, Doncic being available at 4 would require yet another PHAT lapse in judgement…

2.      Luka Doncic slides past the #2 pick

I just don’t understand what more this kid has to do! Every SINGLE argument people have against European players is null for Luka. Euro prospect counterpoints usually boil down to “his stats aren’t good,” “his body isn’t ready yet,” or “he hasn’t faced the proper competition.” Luka averaged nearly 15/5/5 at 19 years old, is 6’8 230lbs, and won the Euroleague and Spanish ACB championships against grown men in the second-best league in the world.

The one legitimate concern I’ve seen is his lack of upper-echelon athleticism, but let’s remember that with Real Madrid season play and Slovenian national team duties, Luka has played 20 months of non-stop basketball. An entire offseason to get shredded will do him wonders. Otherwise, this dude has otherworldly passing vision, reliable go-to scoring moves, and is an utter monster in transition, locating shooters and taking it to the rack with precise ferocity.

On one final note, the Kings were famous for their “anti-tank missiles” this year, where guards Bogdan Bogdanovic and De’Aaron Fox hit several clutch shots despite Sacramento’s incentive to lose. Doncic fits perfectly in that mold, having silenced many a crowd with an array of disgusting clutch stepbacks. Fox/Bogdan/Doncic is a fantastic balance of playmaking and scoring to begin with. Vlade, Vivek, just take the Wonder Boy for crying out loud!! There are only three stupider things that could possibly occur tomorrow night than y’all passing on him.

3.      Jalen Rose gives a Single “Player Comparison”

Jalen, you’re a funny dude, but puh-LEASE get away from Any Mic during the player summaries on draft night. He compares Jaylen Brown to Tyreke Evans, Stanley Johnson to Caron Butler, Sam Dekker to Wally Szcerbiak???? Some of these players have NOTHING in common, and just sorta look alike. Sure, Sam and Wally are both white as Snow and had little muscle definition, but Dekker was a slasher/playmaker out of college, while Szcerbiak was a pure scorer that relied on his outside shot. Same with the other dudes—Jaylen Brown was an awful passer, Tyreke averaged 5 assists per game in his rookie year. Caron Butler was a deadeye shooter, Stanley is markedly bad from deep. I guess Brown and Tyreke both have beards.

Plus, he is physically incapable of comparing a lefty to a non-lefty. What is the likelihood that Rashad Vaughan, Cameron Payne, and Rondae-Hollis Jefferson would each get a reasonable comparison that is also lefty? Quite small, but Jalen managed to do it. As Jalen would say, “CRAFTYYY!!!”  Two to go.

4.      Any replays from the Draft Lottery

The 2018 Draft Lottery was one of the worst things I have ever watched. Every single interaction was unbelievably stilted and awkward. I do not want to remember this day, especially because if the Bulls LOST the pick tiebreaker with Sacramento, they would have the 2^nd pick right now and I’m still livid. Last one.

5.      Grayson Allen goes to the Warriors

Please nooooo oh my god noooooooo pleasepleaseplease Warriors PASS on this man.

I understand he is a good shooter and athlete.

But.

I just can’t do it.

When the Bulls meet you in the Finals, you’ll be up 2 in an all or nothing game 7.

Lauri Markkanen, the Finnisher, the White Death, will rise for a tomahawk jam in the closing seconds.

Draymond will wham him with a flying leg.

Zaza will undercut his foot upon landing (why is he playing in game 7 crunchtime? I don’t know! I don’t care either!)

Grayson will trip his already twisted ankle and send his slender (but toned) 7-foot body plummeting to the ground.

No call…and Chicago weeps.

The draft is in 5 minutes. Teams, avoid these at all costs.